May 4th, 2008 (12:38 pm)
current location:
home
current mood: horrified
current song: HIM-(Don't Fear) The Reaper
Great night to start. Kings, sake, vodka, British accents, hookah, and general mayhem at my house. Everyone was feeling good and toasting me for throwing such a fun party. I was having a blast, too.
And then I saw one.
We were sitting in a circle, in the middle of my room, playing Kings, and Greg was sitting on the floor, in the doorway. He said SOMETHING stupid, just a retarded sexual innuendo type thing, and I turned to tickle him good-naturedly, and I when looked over his shoulder, down the hall, IT WAS RIGHT THERE.
It was standing right on the fucking landing, looking RIGHT. AT ME. YES, I could discern facial features. Its eyes were just so empty...and cold. And it didn't phase away. Oh no. It turned, visibly, and drifted back down the staircase.
I didn't quite scream, all I did was make this choked, whimpering sort of noise, but he knew. He knew the second he looked at my face and saw the fear in my eyes. I couldn't shrug it off, either. I was just...totally numb the rest of the party, and I kept seeing it in variations until everyone left. No one noticed but Greg, though, they were all too trashed.
By the time that Lauren, Alex, Mehow and Gabby finally left, Greg practically SCREAMED at Tony to go wait downstairs. So he did, terrified, the poor kid, and Greg rounds on me. The very first thing he asks me is "Is EVERY NIGHT a nightmare to you, Ashe?"
I just started crying because I didn't understand why he was so bent out of shape. I didn't make a big deal out of seeing what I saw, I try not to make scenes like that.
He felt bad when I started crying, but then he went on this...rant. Well, not really a rant, just...questions. He asked me what they look like. He asked me how often I see them. He asked me if they TALK to me, and when I said yes, they do, that just...that was IT for him. He froze. At that point, he was pacing, and ranting, as he's wont to do when he's heated about something, and then, he totally just stopped mid-stride, and visibly paled. I have never seen the colour drain from anyone's face that quickly.
All he said was "what do they say to you?" When I told him that I can't understand it, that it's usually too soft or too loud, he just FLIPPED OUT. He started walking out of my room, and was like "Ashe, I love you very, very much, but you're scaring the hell out of me. You need a doctor. You need medication."
I didn't say anything. I just sat there, waiting for him to leave, because honestly, I ask myself that same question every single day.
Maybe I am crazy. Maybe I do need meds. I don't know. All I know is that I see these fuckinggoddamn THINGS all the time and they scare me and I don't know what the hell I can do in order to make them go away.
Tony had come back upstairs, because he heard Greg yelling, and Greg told him to give us a few minutes. I was just sitting on my bed, shaking, unable to speak. What the hell was I supposed to say? "Do you think I'm crazy?"
He walked over to me, wrapped his arms around my shoulders, and kissed me on the top of the head. I didn't respond. He apologized. He said that he didn't mean to shout at me, but then he just went on a whole different rant. Without my saying a fucking THING. He paced around my room, telling me that there's no such thing as ghosts. When people die, they die, that's it. I am in an empty house, there's nothing here, I watch too many movies and read too many books.
I started crying again, because once again, he'd struck a nerve without trying to, and then he felt REALLY bad. He asked me if I was going to be okay by myself, and I said I'd deal with it because I always do. Do I have work, tomorrow, he asked, and I said yes, at seven in the morning. To which he started, because it was 1 in the morning at this point, and he said that I need to go to sleep.
"Honey," I said, "I've barely slept in two weeks."
"Can't you sleep with the lights on?"
"Doesn't make a difference."
"Shut the door."
"It doesn't matter."
"Well can't you CAST A SPELL or something?"
And that's when Ashe gets ripshit. I took something-piggy bank, I think-and HURLED it across my room. Watched it smash. And screamed that I can't cast a spell or something because I'm not a fucking witch.
I don't think he's ever seen me physically break something out of rage. He just stood there, gawking at me in complete shock. Tony, at this point had come upstairs again and was like "I need to go home, Greg."
I told him to go. He apologized again, and kissed me, and told me that if I get scared, to call him, call him no matter how late it is. I couldn't say anything to that, I just waited for him to go. He wouldn't let go of me for awhile, and asked me if I was sure I'll be okay. I said I'd fucking manage, and he asked me if I've ever said any of this to a doctor.
I told him to get the fuck out of my house.
And he did, oh boy, he hightailed it.
I called ![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif)
moonsilverfang not too long after because I was hysterical. I was alone, and scared, and questioning my own sanity. He calmed me down, started to help me build a ward, and Greg beeped in ten minutes or so later. I answered, and he could barely say my name in greeting, he was sobbing so hard. He told me that I'm not crazy, he told me how sorry he was about everything and how much he loves me, but that the things I tell him scare the hell out of him.
So we're made up, I'm protected, but still afraid. I see them right now out the corner of my eye.
What can I do? I've tried everything, and if they're really ghosts and not going away, maybe I am crazy, maybe I do need a shrink. What the hell is wrong with me?
Help. Help.
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