It's funny how beautiful people look when they're walking out the door

So yesterday, he told me to do everyone a favour and kill myself. The right way, this time.

I contemplated this particular suggestion for hours and hours, even considered it. Then, I went over Lisa's, saw Marc, went to sleep, and had terrible, awful nightmares about ghosts and demons. I woke up and watched Fumoffu. Marc didn't think it was funny. The difference hurt me.

I feel mildly empty at the moment. Im in the mindset where I'd rather just stare blankly at the sun with a cigarette dangling between my lips, wringing my hands, and listening to the sound of my heart cracking to pieces.

That, or just get so high/drunk that I can't even tell what's going on anymore, and forget about life entirely.

I don't want to believe in love or light or beauty or splendour anymore, I just want life to be monotonous and time-consuming so I don't have to waste my time giving a damn. Why should I? I'll get nothing back. Fuck it.

I had an extremely vivid dream about cutting myself last night.

I took a razor from the bathroom and cut up my arm like a Virginia ham. One slice, two slice, three slice, four. There were marks and wounds and so much red, but curiously enough...no blood. Not one drop. It was like I was already a corpse, and the fluids had already congealed.

I thought about it before I went to sleep. Instead, I held Bunny tight and just cried and cried and cried. When I woke up, nothing was different. I wished I was still dreaming, because in that dream, we were still together and he was smiling.

I have a new boyfriend, but I don't know, he isn't calling me or anything. Last night I was too depressing to be around, so I left the party and came home to bask in my own misery.

As you can tell, my world has, once again, been thrown off-kilter.

It's becoming increasingly difficult to care.

Attempt number two. If not for salienne I would legitimately be dead right now.

Still have no faith in the system.

Ten hour car drives aren't fun.

Can't sleep.

If any of you don't want to be my friend anymore, I understand. No hard feelings. I understand that I'm toxic.

So Tracy left her leftover hair dye here. I'm going to use it to dye my hair blue.

I'm sad, after all.

Why not?

I really hope things will get better when I get home from Baltimore. Looking forward to the trip itself. I've never flown before...this will be a first. And, hopefully, a goody. Many thanks to salienne for taking care of me.

My legs STILL feel very heavy.

Having random, graphic, fucking horrible nightmares about your dead brother is not cool.

I opened my eyes, realized it was just cruel unreality, and now I'm in this disgusting, wiggly, tearful state that I just can't break free of. Fuck.

Today was wonderful.

Greg and I hung out with Deb to celebrate her birthday. I made her a Gir cake, which she loved (picture later) and we went to eat at Friendly's. Deb was pleased by the birthday song xD. Instead of going to Club Hell, we went to the movies and I saw The Dark Knight again.

Some things I picked up about the Joker second time around:

• Not only does he have the tick with flicking his tongue against his lips like a snake, he also has this thing with his speech where he emphasizes ONE WORD over and over again (in one monologue with Batman in the jail cell it's "people", with Harvey in the hospital room it's "plan") and then when one expects him to finish his sentence with that particular word, he goes and changes it at the last second. I think it's a clever means of gathering one's attention. People expect him to keep using that word, and therefore pay rapt attention to what he's saying, no matter how insane. At the very last second he changes it to something else, so you hang on to his every word waiting for what's next.
  
• The only thing that truly bothers him is being referred to as insane, or a monster. "Freak" doesn't really cut it, but insane and monster do. True mark of a sociopath.
  

I still believe in Harvey Dent.

Anyways, on the way home Greg and I were getting kind of frisky. Just laughing and tickling and groping around, harmless sexual banter, and all of a sudden he takes on this really firm voice and goes "I'm not feeling it, hon, stop."

I was really miffed and offended. After that he started acting really bug-eyed and paranoid, and when I asked what was wrong he just looked away and said "I'm tired." The kiss goodnight was really short, too. *sigh*

Of course my initial reaction to this was that he was feeling guilty for one reason or another, but then I remembered that Greg is Greg and really bipolar about sex sometimes. No problem. But then I started thinking about shit.

It's so fucking difficult and tiring for me to try and peruse the depths of his mind sometimes. It's emotionally draining, for fuck's sake! I know he's a locked box, I know he has a million walls up around him and I'm steadily making it through, but I just DON'T GET HIM sometimes and it's fucking frustrating as hell.

*sigh*

I have to be patient. I love him very, very much, I really do.

It just scares me that when I look into his eyes sometimes, what I see is a frightened animal. A frightened animal who wants badly to return the affection it is shown, but is too afraid, embittered, and downtrodden to accept the fact that it is not being deceived.

Patience is the key because I know that he doesn't want to lose me, I know that he knows that I'm the only girl who has loved him this unconditionally. He realizes that and it scares the hell out of him. Am I brazen to think that I'm the second girl that he's ever really loved? No, I don't think so...he basically told me himself. I know, damn it, because he literally shuts down if I say or do something even sligtly similiar to the other one's mannerisms, even if my behaviour is totally in jest.

He's afraid to open up completely because of that FUCKING cunt Jen. I have never wanted to destroy a human being as much as I want to destroy her, because god damn it, she broke him. I hate her for it.

I wish she would hate herself, too. It's the worst thing you can wish on someone, in my eyes.

We've faced some turbulence lately, but Deb has been such a great help to me because she's known him longer. I can't even...begin to express how she made me feel when she told me that he was the happiest she'd ever seen him, with me, and that is getting me through times like this when I just sit here, and clench my fists, and just want that girl to fucking DIE, the hypocritical, machiavellian, gold-digging, manipulative fucking cunt. I hate her. I want her to burn for making him this way.

Anyways, Joker cosplay, I help Deb with...that's something to definitely look forward to at least.

So last night I went on a complete Facebook maelstrom. I wrote a nasty note to the persons involved, telling them all to fuck off and stop running their mouths about Greg and I. I sent Deb a message to get her insight on the situation, because she's known him a lot longer than I have.

I also messaged the other girl he's been seeing, despite the fact that he told me not to. I wasn't mean or rude, I simply told her to stop calling him. Her response was something along the lines of how her and Greg were "just friends" and that she would never try to break up anyone's relationship. She also said that neither of them tried anything and that I ought to learn to trust my own boyfriend. Also added that she would "respectfully ignore my insults and demands" yeah whatever. Pretty fucking snide and condescending for a seventeen (sixteen? idfk) year old, I think, but whatever.

Called Greg after I went for a jog on two hours of sleep, and he admitted that he remembered very little of what he said to me last night, due to the extent of his intoxication. So, I recapped and he was mortified by how selfish he was. He was not pleased that I sent the other girl a FB message because he didn't want her involved (to which I fucking screamed that HE got her involved, HE dug his own grave by initiating a conversation saying "Would you change for me? Because there's another girl who likes me."), but I made him promise to stop seeing or talking to her, even if Tony's around (motherfucker, this is all his fault, too.) I specifically told him to not answer his phone if she calls him, and if I find out that he's been so much as speaking to her, we're completely through, no questions asked. I hate the fact that I can't trust him again, but you know, it's a rough patch and I'll be able to eventually. Honestly, so WHAT if he talks to Erin, they've been friends for awhile. It hurts that he hung out with her behind my back, but I know for a fact that they wouldn't try anything again. The other one on the other hand...I want her blood.

This hurts so very much that I can't even articulate it. I confronted him with what l_ciceronis said about his trying to find an easy way to leave me, and he said that if he wanted to let me go, he would have done it already and gone with whatsherface. But, he loves me and wants to be with me, so he's staying around despite what people are saying.

Basically, I think that he's been under a lot of stress lately. Working twelve hour shifts starting at six in the morning can certainly do that, and with his idiot friends talking trash behind my back, and him having to hear all of it? Yeah. Definitely. He got drunk and he said some things that he didn't mean. He's just been dumb lately, that's all, Christ, he's a fucking dude, it happens.

But dumb, and shady.

Whatever, it's not like he's cheating on me. At least he told me about the girl, I'm glad I cut that at the root before something came of it. (at least I hope I did, fuck.)

Just...fuck my life. I have to wake up every morning, look at myself in the mirror, and tell myself how repulsive I am. It'll work, because I won't delude myself into thinking that I'm improving, I'll actually be improving.

I just want everything to be okay again. I know it will, I'm just...sad.

Well, I'm teaching myself how to speak in a Russian accent for Bartok, using THIS as a guide. It's helping, I'm definitely improving, but I would really prefer sound clips. :-/ Oh well, beggars really can't be choosers, can they?

I'm so envious of Greg's ability to pick up accents like that. Seriously. He can do basically anything, and I'm so jealous. =[ French, English, Russian, Japanese...gah, bastard >.< (Of course, only a theatre nut like me would be pissed off about something like that, there you have it.)

*sigh* I'm bored. Really fucking bored. I wish I was employed so I could at least be bored and making some kind of money right now, but no...

*growl*

Considering that I slept in Greg's bed for two nights in a row, I actually got decent rest this weekend. I came home yesterday and once again was up until five in the morning, unable to sleep peacefully.

It really is driving me completely insane. I've slipped into this hellish routine where I'm up until dawn because either my head or the fucking ghosts keep me awake, and sleep until two in the afternoon because there's nothing to do.

Lisa never calls me because of the change in HER life, so I never see any of my friends anymore. Yeah, calling goes two ways, but it's hard to get the insentive to pick up the phone when people don't even answer your texts, either. My phone's probably gonna get shut off soon, too, and I can't bring myself to care.

It's sad for me to say that my boyfriend has become my link to the outside world...but it's true. He's legitimately the only person I see these days. I feel like I have nothing to talk about to him anymore and that scares me, despite the fact that he reassured me last weekend that he was NOT, and WILL NOT get "bored".

I don't want to be home anymore.

I can't stand my mother, my father depresses me, and my brother does nothing but tear me down on a daily basis about useless things. He accosts my appearance, my hobbies...everything. And the drama that my mother starts? Hell, it's happening right now, everyone's fighting, and here I am blaring music and trying my hardest to be invisible, per fucking usual (angst much? there you have it.)

It's getting to the point where I *need* to leave, I need to leave NOW, but I can't because I have no money, no safety net. Greg and I have been talking more and more about moving out, in fact, he told me the other day that we could definitely do it if I get a job with my brother's company (since it pays $12-14 an hour.) but HOWHOWHOW??? I can't just scrap by working at Dunkin' Donuts, I need a *real* job in order for us to live comfortably, but HOW, fuck, no one will hire me, I've worked in fucking RESTAURAUNTS all my life.

I'm tired. I'm worried. I'm stressed. I don't want to do this anymore, I just want everything to be okay again.

The worst bit is I feel like I wouldn't be going through all of it if I hadn't quit Friendly's.

I don't know. I have no answers. I don't know where all of this came from...but like...I was fine and now I feel like crying. Excellent.

I think the fact that I was drunk last night has to do with last night's post. *sigh* We've talked since then, and everything's okay now (speak of the devil, he just called me to check on me 0.o. Yeah, I called him crying last night AFTER that post was made and after I was flipping out for no reason.) I apologize for everything. I was emotionally drained, to the extent that after the events of the party, I was laying on my couch, eating Ramen and watching Rocko's Modern Life.

Yeah...that's what Lisa and I both do when we're depressed...

Anyways, for the Castlevania geeks on my FL:



You can play as Maria in SotN in the Japanese Sega Saturn version of the game. Personally, I would just get really pissed off playing as her...just because it looks like she's awful and a pain in the ass to use. >.< From that little video, I mean.

And, as bindusara enlightened me, Castlevania fighting game! w007 w007 I'm pumped for that.

So last night, I learned the valuable life’s lesson of how drinking does not make your problems go away.

As you all know, my mother left us, and there has been bad drama with her going on. I came home last night to grab my brandy and change into cooler clothes, and she was there, with my aunt and uncle who had randomly showed up for no reason. I said hullo to my aunt and uncle, but I totally ignored her. That really pissed her off I guess, because she was trying to be Miss Perfect Hostess in front of the relatives (really, who CARES? ESPECIALLY if they’re the in-laws and you don’t live here anymore.) but it made me quite angry to see that the bitch had dared to show her face at the house again.

So that anger quickly manifested itself into “fuck this, I’m getting drunk.”

And, long story short, I was embarrassing. I was the drunk girl. I kept trying to swan dive off of Lauren’s porch. I forgot close friend’s names. I didn’t even QUESTION whether or not Greg was okay to drive, I just got into the car and eventually stumbled into Cumby’s, blasted out of my mind. I bought a slushie which I then dumped in the parking lot two seconds later. We went to Ryan and Blair’s place and the SECOND we got there I stumbled into the bathroom and gakked my fucking brains out. I kept yelling for Blair even though she was in Providence, and I puked so much that Mike said I eventually was vomiting pure stomach acid. If it hurt, I didn’t notice. The vomiting did nothing to aid my inebriation, I may have settled my guts a bit, but I was still plowed to the extent that I couldn’t fucking walk.

We watched a few episodes of Cowboy Bebop and Hellsing, but eventually we started watching porn. Don’t ask me how or why, but we did. And of course, I’m trashed, and start sucking on Greg’s fingers, and he starts calling me a tease, so he told everyone we were going to go get food and were coming back later.

Well, that was a dirty fucking lie.

What really happened was us parking off in the woods somewhere by Cobb’s Corner and having really rough, filthy sex in the bed of his truck that I only really partially remember. I guess I was screaming, so he had to cover my mouth, I remember that. I don’t remember anything else, though. He did say that it was amazing even though he felt wicked white trash for doing it. Lol.

So it’s 4 AM at this point, and Greg decides he wants a big mac. So we pull up to McDonald’s, and the lady took too long to take his order, so he SPED off into the night, dropped Tony off, and went to drop me off.

Well, I lost my housekey.

AGAIN.
I slept in the fucking car last night. I woke up at 7AM to my father letting Chloe out, and I slid out and staggered up to the house. He just LAUGHED at me.

Dad: …did you SLEEP in there?
Me: …lost my key…
Dad: you were drinking, weren’t you?
Me: Yeah. Not gonna lie.
Dad: Well, go to bed, honey. *laughing*

And then my mother sent me a text message saying “U were rude and ignorant 2 me last nite” to which I replied that this was the second time she ran out on us like a little crybaby, and told her to stop texting me.

And this was her response, I shit you not.

“What do u care thought u were not going 2 miss me jane said u had probs I don’t stay in violent re lationships or didn’t dad tell u want he did? U get nothindont text me ps u ran out on me and treat me like shit go pierce something u r a bratt I did not raise bratts don’t know what u r”

That’s all her spelling and grammar, by the way. Pathetic, no? I hate her so much, she’s such a dumb fucking bitch. I hope she stays away.

So I showed the text message to my brother and we went out to eat together, smack talking her the whole time. It was awesome. But he said that I look like rent was due on the corner and I couldn’t pay. Didn’t know what I meant until I looked in the mirror, saw the MESS that my hair was, the crack-starved look in my eyes, and the GIANT fucking hickey on my neck that’s really gross. And miscellaneous bruises…

I’m pretty sure my boyfriend would uh. Kill me if I called him right now. So I’m gonna shower, and take a nap. It’s hot and I don’t want to do anything atm…

Just a side note. Has anyone seen the Prodigy music video for “Smack My Bitch Up”? I’m pretty fucking sure that was me last night…I really was that drunk. Disgusting.

So my father punched my mother's windshield and cracked it, and she is now packing her bags and leaving.

Again.

I have no words. It's sad when you know you're more mature than your mother...

Oh, and FUCK YOU, boss. Cops at my house and my having a legitimate issue? Can't cover for me yet you can cover for dumb bitch who's sick like every day?

I just quit my job.

Weekend was...interesting. To say the very least.

Tried Absinthe friday, in celebration of hitting $100 on a $2 ticket. I hated the stuff. It was positively awful, even with sugar and mixed with cranberry juice. Gross. But I was drunk and wrote porn. Fun.

Saturday, worked. My boss didn't do anything before he left, and I ended up having to stay 3 hours later than I was supposed to because the girl who was going to relieve me got lost in Middleborough or something. I had an interview at a mental health facility. If I get the job, it's $16 an hour with benefits and free transportation. I hope I get it.

Anyways, that night, there was a party and it was great at first. Gorgeous weather in the woods. Greg and I staring at the moon. Fire. Gabby drunk and kissing me, quite passionately. (Lots of people took pictures of that, too. I was like what the fucking hell, grow up. My boyfriend popped a boner at it, as well, which was one of the reasons why I went with it. Also, to prove a point. But let's not get into that.) We were standing around the fire listening to Queen and screaming the lyrics to Bohemian Rhapsody.

And then she showed up. I recognized her instantly. Long, brown hair. Slender frame. A smile that could sway the devil. On the arm of some skinny guitarist with a lip ring.

Her. The one who darkened my childhood, and quite plausibly my innocence as well.

Thankfully she didn't recognize me. I guess blonde/blue hair and model height can change an image. I begged Greg to take me home, and I was on the verge of tears throughout the whole car ride. Couldn't tell him what was wrong. In fact, I've never spoken about the rape out loud. Not the vulgar details of it. I can't. He called me this morning, and I said that something bad happened when I was little, involving her, but I couldn't tell him what it was. Literally vomited a few times, and slept until 4 o'clock today.

How can I tell him, when I can't even think about it? If it makes me sick?

Lisa coerced me to hang with the gang today, so I did, and felt better. Sheep pasture adventures. Then, guitar hero and RE Umbrella Chronicles. Fun times. Greg called to check on me but I'm thinking about telling him to forget I said anything. Most likely never seeing her again. I can go on without having to relive it a second time. I'll be okay.

Getting more ink next weekend.

The ghost of Orpheus possessed me the other night. I brought him to tears with my words, but at the time, I honestly didn't think that I got through to him.

Now I'm thinking that I actually did.

He called me last night, but hung up the phone after I said "Hello?" So I called him back and he didn't answer, so I just assumed he dialed the wrong number and went to sleep.

At EXACTLY 11:30 this morning (which is when he goes on break every day at work, if I recall) I get a phone call while I'm talking to a table. I fucking RAN to the service aisle to answer, and the following conversation ensued.

Me: Hello?
Greg: Hey...what's going on?
Me: Um, nothing. At work.
Greg: Did you call last night?
Me: Only because you called me.
Greg: Right, well, I was wondering if you wanted to hang out.
Me: Thinking that this is odd, considering that I had told him REPEATEDLY that "hanging out" as friends was too hard for me at the moment... Um, today?
Greg: I'll be out of town today, but I'm totally free the rest of the week. Please call me, Ashe.
Me: Okay.

*click*

What does this mean?

I told him to think about what I had said to him, yes, but I didn't think he actually would. Venom even told me that I had emptied my heart out to a sociopath, doing what I did Friday night, and I had AGREED with him about that. So what the hell?

Yeah, I said some pretty epic things. I professed my love to the man in colourful, theatric proportions, the likes of which I otherwise would have only been able to do after long periods of thought. Somehow, I was able to speak eloquently that night, and I said everything--EVERYTHING--I felt.

I know I moved him, but I didn't think that I moved him enough. It was an extremely draining conversation, but nonetheless, I felt like I was talking to a wall (or to Squall Leonheart) and would get nothing in return. By Sunday morning, I was ready to accept a meaningless existence, devoid of light or inspiration. I let the tears fall, and I wandered around in a complete haze.

And now, this.

"I'm free the rest of the week". Does this mean that he broke up with whatsherface? Did he really, REALLY think about things?

I want to hope, but dear God, I don't want to crash and burn again, I can't handle another meltdown like that...

The other night, thehappiestdays and I walked to the store to buy dinner. I recognized his truck from across the parking lot, and my heart sank to the pit of my stomach when I saw the pretty girl with bright pink hair in his front seat, gabbing on her cell phone.

He noticed me before I could react. Looked me straight in the face, and said something like "Oh hey, Ashe, what's up?" There were hickeys all over his neck and I froze, I just couldn't speak because if I spoke, I would have cried.

I watched him leave and we looked at each other from across the parking lot, me still in the store. Then, he just drove away.

I came home and I just started bawling. Gabe's father tried to calm me down, but I just couldn't listen to anything he was saying. So what did I do? I called him. I called him and I started chewing him out for leading me on like that.

At first, he was REALLY pissed, and starting snapping at me for being immature and unable to handle a post-relationship friendship. To which I replied I gladly would have been able to stomach that, had he not told me that there was hope for us getting back together. And then, COMPLETELY unexpectedly, HE started crying. He said that he didn't want to hurt me. He said that he knew I loved him, and that for some reason, he always pushes away people who get too close. It was so cliched, it was unbelievable. I listened to him cry, and babble about how he doesn't know why he's so selfish, and I told him that no matter how much he pushes me away, I'm going to be there. That just seemed to make it worse, though, and I idiotically poured my heart out to him, in the attempt of making things right. I told him EVERYTHING, from how it makes me physically sick to think of myself with someone else besides him, to how I've lost my passion for everything and just don't give a damn anymore because my inspiration is gone.

He said that he wanted me back, but it wouldn't be fair to just dump whatsherface. He wants to see where it goes, in case something comes out of it.

I don't think anything will come out of it, if she's just a rebound, and I told him so. He's not changing his mind, though. He said there's a chance of us going back out, but only if they don't work out. He doesn't want me to wait around for him, but I'm doing it anyways, just because.

I haven't eaten since that happened, and it took a lot of effort just to get out of bed. I'm supposed to go to my parents' for lunch today, but I just don't have the energy anymore.

help me

Saw Greg yesterday. He taught me how to play pool and we went out to eat.

Except...I didn't eat.

I forced myself to down about half a bowl of soup, because at first, being with him was really emotionally distressing, to the extent that I completely lost my appetite. Like, we were totally comfortable around each other, but we were both suppressing the urge to kiss and touch each other like we really wanted to. He had a hickey on the side of his neck. Supposedly things aren't working out between him and whatsherface, because she's still in high school, has no job, and is totally not his type, but nonetheless, I couldn't keep my eyes off of it the whole day. Every time he talked about her, it made me sick, and therefore I couldn't eat. It's not over, but it's not beginning again, either. We're on a break. Our relationship is on hold. I can see other guys, of course, until we figure out what went wrong and how best to fix it, so we can be happy again.

All I did yesterday was sleep until he called me.

I worked a ten hour shift today, came home, and completely crashed. Didn't even have the energy to change out of my uniform for a good hour. The only reason I'm even functioning right now is because I had Gabe buy me an energy drink.

I'm seeing him again on Wednesday, and I'm wondering, what's the point of tomorrow? Work, sure, fine, whatever. I'm just going to sleep when I get home.

One would think that this is the sign of depression.

My brother's birthday is on Saturday. Mum called me today to ask if I was coming to dinner, and of course, she said, Greg is more than welcome to attend as well. Did I tell her that this is the SECOND time we've broken up?

Of course not.

When I think about eating, I feel like I ought to smoke instead. Eating requires effort. It's just easier to light up a cigarette.

He told me that I didn't look good, that he was happy to see me, but that he was worried about me, really worried. I fainted in the shower yesterday and didn't tell anyone because I didn't want to worry Gabe or his parents. Lisa would have just yelled at me. Last time this happened? Very long time.

Obviously, there's something wrong, but I can't fix it. Don't want to fix it, don't care. I'm scaring a lot of people, pushing even more away, but I'd rather just slip into this downward spiral and deal with the consequences on my own accord.

The sharpest lives are the deadliest to lead.

What was the point?

I may still love him, even if it's just a tiny fragment, some small piece of my heart that survived the shatter when our relationship ended. But he has a new girl, some rare beauty with long legs, long black hair, a perfect body. His fantasy. Have they slept together, I wonder? Does she look at him while he's laying there with his eyes closed, and think to herself about how utterly beautiful he is, this man, the very image of perfection, simplicity? God, does she see a future with him? Does she love every single one of his oddities? Does she melt with emotion every time he kisses her on the forehead...holds her hand? Does she embrace his faults? Is she patient with him for being so introverted?

Does she thank God every single night that he's hers and no one else's?

I'm breaking in half. A week of being strong, and now I just can't stop crying. Again. I want to call him, I want to tell him that I love him and need him and want him in my life, but I know I can't. I know it's over. I know there's no chance. I know he doesn't love me, and it's killing me inside.

Why must I feel?

Why do I feel the need to give my all? Why can't I hold on to just a tiny fragment of myself when I go into relationships, so I'll have something left when it all goes to hell?

What did I do wrong? I tried so fucking hard to hold it together. I did everything I could. But he was willing to let it all go. I guess that means that he never really loved me and was just waiting for an excuse for it to end.

I don't want to try anymore. I don't want to love anymore. He told me himself that it's not the end of his world because it's over between us, so why is it that I'm still holding on, wishing, praying to a God I don't believe in, just to have things back to the way they were before?

What the hell was the point, anyways? Six months of my life, half of a year, and now I'm left with nothing but memories.

I don't want to breathe anymore.